| Vol 1 - Issue 3 | November 1996 |
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The Six Types of Sailors A field guide By Bill Mattson |
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Captain Meticulous Traits: Measures rudder toe-in with a micrometer. Shapes battens with 4000 grit sandpaper (wet). Will not name boat since lettering would be weight distribution issue. Uses water testing kit before rigging, since salt to water ratio will determine amount of mast rake. Wears marine grade pocket protector. Sample quote: "Great! Those five leaves in the water are gonna blow my calculations all to hell!" Advantages: Can give you great tips on the boat ramp. Disadvantages: You need 30 back issues of Scientific American on hand to understand what the hell he is talking about. The Fearless One Traits: The only one trailering a boat TOWARDS the coast during a hurricane. Considers the low probability of pitchpoling a Hobie 18 to be a design flaw. Dream sailing vacation has the word "Niagra" in it. Breaks things on boat that you thought were impossible to break. Breaks things on self that you thought were impossible to break. Gets tetenous shot prior to sailing. Often seen on crutches. Always looking for crew. Sample quote: "Hurricane, schmurricane, let's go sailin'!" Advantages: Smiles a lot. Disadvantages: Has a very limited number of teeth. Mr. Fabulous Traits: Brand new boat, towed by Lexus sport util. Wet suit matches sails. Spends more money on sunglasses than you spent for your boat. Carries full array of electronic navigational gear for lake outing. Enjoys heavy air only to the extent that hair is not displaced. Sample quote: "Pardon me... Do you have any Grey Poupon?" Advantages: Will give you a tour of his boat and show you every new go-fast item available. Disadvantages: You have to explain what every item is for, and how it is used. The Enforcer Traits: Carries 16 protest flags. Will not waive right-of-way rule to any power boats, including oncoming 750ft iron ore freighters. Yells at people who block ramp. Yells at people who make wakes in no wake area. Yells at people for no reason in particular. Sample quote: "When we get to the ramp, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you!" Advantages: Keeps everyone alert. Disadvantages: End-of-day congestion at ramp when 16 people are beating the crap out of him. Bozo the Catsailor Traits: Forgetful. Often seen trailering boat with rigging dragging on roadway making sparks. Considers having car winched from lake bottom to be a normal part of boat launching. Installs hull plugs on an occassional basis. Raises sails with boat perpendicular to wind in 40 knot gale. Asks you to help him get boat out of tree after raising sails with boat perpendicular to wind in 40 knot gale. Sample quote: "Uh oh." Advantages: Provides interesting entertainment. Disadvantages: Up until the point he backs pickup truck into the side of your hulls. The Pauper Traits: Boat resembles scaled down version of that used in Waterworld. Likewise for car. Figures that rigging is safe if replaced once every mellanium. Asks local hardware dealer "Is this clothesline prestretched?" Often seen replacing trampoline since it is not marine grade plywood. Makes cut-off shorts from leisure suits. Sample quote: "You're not going to throw those old shrouds away, are you?" Advantages: You can laugh at him when he enters a regatta. Disadvantages: He can laugh at you when he wins. Bill Mattson at mattson@earthlink.net Back to Humor |